Books I Recommend Most Often

I'm asked to share my favorite education and parenting book recommendations all the time, so let's do this!

I so my best to incorporate book sales and signings into my speaking events which is, frankly, the kind of thing I dreamed about when I imagined growing up to be a writer. When someone buys a copy or approaches with their well-worn tome and asks, “Would you mind terribly signing my copy?” I wish that reader could understand just how honored I am to be asked.

As much fun as it is to sign my own books, recommending other books I love comes in a very, very close second.

I recently spoke in a little town near Newburyport, MA. Now, if you have ever been to Newburyport, you know it’s gorgeous, but what you may not know is it is also home to one of my very favorite bookstores in the world, Jabberwocky Bookshop. Sue Little opened Jabberwocky in 1972 when she was 22 years old and continues to not just work there, but to staff author signings at local events. When I suggested she also carry a selection of books I refer to on stage as favorite resources, she was all in.

All of these books are listed in my massive, indexed bibliography with live links posted on my website, a list I update often with new release favorites. It also contains links to every one of the nearly four hundred 90-second videos I’ve made on topics from my books and questions from readers. I update this list about once a month. Today, for example, I added Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson’s The Disengaged Teen and Tina Payne Bryson’s The Way of Play, which comes out next week. I’m attaching the bibliography with all those juicy links below but in the future, but be sure to look for it at the “bibliography” button on my website in the future, as it may include new resources.

I’m including the entire bibliography below, but I update it regularly with new discoveries and releases, so check back via the bibliography button on my website in the future. If you don’t see a particular book you love (or wrote) on the list, be sure to let me know about it so I can check it out for myself!

Jessica Lahey’s Speaking Bibliography
Note: some links include affiliate codes

The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed (Harper Books)
The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence (Harper Books)

Education, motivation, learning, and engagement:

Dan Willingham, Outsmart Your Brain: Why Learning is Hard and How You Can Make it Easy (frankly everything by Dan Willingham is essential reading for educators and parents)
Tina Payne Bryson, The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm and Confident Kids
Edward Deci, Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation
Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
Phyllis Fagell, Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Needs Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond—and How Parents Can Help
Phyllis Fagell, Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times
Wendy Grolnick, Pressured Parents, Stressed-Out Kids: Dealing with Competition While Raising a Successful Kids
Wendy Grolnick, The Psychology of Parental Control: How Well-meant Parenting Backfires
James M. Lang, Cheating Lessons: Learning from Academic Dishonesty
KJ Dell’Antonia, How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute
Tim Harford, Adapt: Why Success Always Starts with Failure
Roddy Roediger et al, Make it Stick: The Science of Successful Learning
Katie Hurley, The Happy Kid Handbook
Jo Boaler, Mathematical Mindsets: Unleashing Students’ Potential through Creative Math, Inspiring Messages and Innovative Teaching
Scott Barry Kaufman, Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined
William Stixrud, Ph.D. and Ned Johnson, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives
William Stixrud, Ph.D. and Ned Johnson, What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home
Katherine Reynolds Lewis, The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever, and What to Do About It
Katherine Schulten, ed., Coming of Age in 2020: Teenagers on the Year that Changed Everything

Kids and Technology/Social Media
Devorah Heitner, Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World
Devorah Heitner, Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World

Kids and Money
Ron Lieber, The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money
Ron Lieber also offers a course on securing merit aid for college

Life Skills for Kids and Autonomy-Supportive Parenting
Julie Lythcott-Haims, How to Raise an Adult
Catherine Newman, How to Be a Person: 65 Hugely Useful, Super-Important Skills to Learn Before You’re Grown Up
Catherine Newman, What Can I Say? A Kid’s Guide to Super-Useful Social Skills That Will Help You Get Along and Express Yourself
Audrey Monke, Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults
Emily Edlynn, PhD, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children

Understanding Teens and the Teen Brain
Kenneth R. Ginsburg, Congrats, You’re Having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good Person
Ellen Galinsky, The Breakthrough Years: A New Scientific Framework for Raising Thriving Teens
Daniel Siegel, Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain
Frances Jensen, M.D. and Amy Ellis Nutt, The Teenage Brain
Lisa Damour, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers
Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson, The Disengaged Teen

College and Beyond
Ron Lieber, The Price You Pay for College: An Entirely New Roadmap for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make
Jeff Selingo, Who Gets in and Why: A Year Inside College Admissions
Becky Munsterer Sabky, Valedictorians at the Gate: Standing Out, Getting In, and Staying Sane While Applying to College
Julie Lythcott-Haims, Your Turn: How to Be an Adult
Frank Bruni, Where You Go is Not Who You’ll Be
Ron Lieber’s course on securing merit aid for college
Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington, Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults

Girls
Katie Hurley, No More Mean Girls
Lisa Damour, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through The Seven Transitions into Adulthood
Lisa Damour, Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls
Rachel Simmons, Enough as She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Life Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives

Boys
Michael Thompson, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys
The Pressured Child: Freeing Our Kids from Performance Overdrive and Helping Them Find Success in School and Life
Michael Thompson, Homesick and Happy: How Time Away from Parents Can Help a Child Grow

The introduction to investigative journalism I wish I’d had in high school
Jodi Kantor & Megan Twohey, Chasing the Truth: A Young Journalist’s Guide to Investigative Reporting

The Addiction Inoculation topics
Nadine Burke Harris, M.D., The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity
Anna Lembke, M.D., Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence
Joseph Lee, M.D., Recovering My Kid: Parenting Young Adults in Treatment and Beyond
David Sheff, Clean: Overcoming Addiction and Ending America’s Greatest Tragedy
Judith Grisel, Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction

For young kids
Nicole Lendo, A Kids Book About Addiction

For teens
David and Nic Sheff, High: Everything You Want to Know About Drugs, Alcohol and Addiction
MC Yogi, Spiritual Graffiti: Finding My True Path

Substance Use Disorder memoirs
William Cope Moyers, Broken: My Story of Addiction and Redemption
Janelle Hanchett, I’m Just Happy to Be Here: A Memoir of Renegade Mothering
Kristina Wandzilak and Constance Curry, The Lost Years: Surviving a Mother and Daughter’s Worst Nightmare
David Poses, The Weight of Air: A Story About Addiction and the Truth About Recovery
Mary Karr, Lit
Leslie Jamison, The Recovering: Intoxication and Its Aftermath
Erin Khar, Strung Out: One Last Hit and Other Lies that Nearly Killed Me

Websites I reference around learning and kids:

Grown and Flown, Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington’s site for parents raising older kids
YouCubed, Jo Boaler’s site on effective math instruction
Tilt Parenting, Deborah Reber
Raising Digital Natives, Devorah Heitner

Articles I refer to most, based on audience questions:

“The Big Problem with Rewarding Kids for Good Grades and Punishing Them for Bad Ones” (Washington Post)
“This is Why it’s So Hard to Help with your Kids’ Math Homework” (Washington Post)
"Helping a Perfectionist Child Worry Less and Do More” (New York Times)
“For a Child with Learning Differences, Making Home a Safe Harbor" (New York Times)
“Letter Grades Deserve an ‘F’” (The Atlantic)
“When Children Say ‘I Can’t,’ But They Can, and Adults Know It” (New York Times)
“Give Late Blooming Children the Time They Need” (New York Times)
“Helping Children Balance School and Fun” (New York Times)
“What Not to Worry About in Teaching Young Children to Read” (New York Times)
“Teenagers, Dealing with Addiction, On What Might Have Helped" (New York Times)
“I Will Not Check My Son’s Grades Online Five Times a Day” (The Atlantic)
“The Downside of Checking Kids’ Grades Constantly” (New York Times)
“Research Suggests Timed Tests Cause Math Anxiety,” Jo Boaler
“Fluency Without Fear: Research Evidence on the Best Ways to Learn Math Facts,” Jo Boaler, Cathy Williams and Amanda Confer

Gift of Failure video FAQs (on YouTube)

How to Parent and Teach Perfectionist Kids
How to Motivate Kids Who Coast
Should I Let My Kid Quit?
Am I Stupid for Being Duped By a Flawed System?
What About My Kid with Special Needs?
The Extraordinary Power of “Yet”
Why I Loathe Grading Portals
How Do I Get My Kid To Shower?

YouTube Learning Resources Jess adores

Science & Psychology: VSauce/Michael Stevens on YouTube
Science: Emily Graslie’s The Brain Scoop on YouTube
Science: Mythbusters on the Discovery Channel
Science: Veritasium
A little of everything but mostly science: Smarter Every Day
Math: Vi Hart’s math and doodling videos on YouTube
Music Theory: Adam Neely “Exploring what music means and what it means to be a musician”
Philosophy: PhilosophyTube on YouTube

Video Series: each video is only 90 seconds long!

The Addiction Inoculation in My Office TOC (with links)
Introduction
Who the heck am I to tell you anything about anything?
Why do we need to worry about substance use in kids?
Yep, I’m alcoholic and here’s my story.
Why are addictive substances a thing?
What’s the gateway hypothesis or initiation sequence?
Brain development and substance use, part I
Brain development and substance use, part II
Brain development, substance use, and dopamine
Brain development in adolescence and learning
Neurodevelopment and why substances mess with it
How the addictive substances adolescents crave can be the most damaging to the brain
Why stress feels more stressful during adolescence
Sleep, addictive substances, and teens
More on sleep and why it’s so important
Good news! Substance use is down overall and how we keep it going in that direction
Bad news! Some substance use is up.
Alcohol and the teenage brain, part I
Alcohol and the teenage brain, part II
Alcohol and the teenage brain, part III
The tolerance effect
The tolerance effect, part II
A great resource: The Huberman Lab podcast episodes I love
But WHY do kids use substances?
Risk factors and counterbalancing protective factors
Genetics
Epigenetics
Life experience and substance use disorder risk
Scary risk factors and why we have to be able to face and talk about them
Experiential risk factors
ACEs, or adverse childhood experiences
ACEs, part II
Finishing up with ACEs and who they affect
ACE scores and what that means for risk for substance use disorder
Categories of ACEs, or adverse childhood experiences
Late-breaking results of an MMWR study on ACEs
Why do ACEs affect risk of substance use disorder? Toxic stress.
Academic failure and risk of substance use disorder
An interlude with Moby and the leaf blower
Childhood aggression and substance use disorder risk
Transitions and substance use risk
Summer and substance use risk
Moving on to protective factors!
Protective factor: allies
Protective factor: banish secrets and shame
Protective factor: knowing (and being honest about) your family history
[How] should we keep alcohol in the house if we have kids?
[How] should we keep alcohol in the house if we have kids, part II
Protective factor: self-efficacy!
Protective factor: self-efficacy part II
Modeling self-efficacy for kids
Self-efficacy part IV (it’s that important)
Self-efficacy and our belief in our children to succeed
Goal-setting as a great way to build self-efficacy
Self-efficacy: make failures specific and successes as general as possible
Elaborating on making failure specific and success as general as possible
Protective factor: optimism
Protective factor: allies and specific people you can look to for help
Protective factor: primary health care providers
Risk screening for kids
More on risk screening for kids
Protective factors: school nurses and school counselors
Maximizing the protective efficacy of health care providers for our kids
To sip or not to sip? Kids and drinking at home
False pretense: that romantic myth of raising European moderate drinkers
False pretense: “Kids are going to drink, so why not do it at home, where they are safe?”
Blackout Wednesday, or Drinksgiving
Protective factor: mindfulness
Protective factor: reframing stress for kids
How mindfulness promotes cognitive integration and reduces risk of substance use
Protective factor, more on reframing stress
Sleep and substance use
Sleep and substance use part II
Sleep and substance use part III
House rules and substance use
House rules part II
Why my 2 kids had 2 very different sets of rules around alcohol
What we know DOES NOT WORK for substance use prevention
Why “because I said so” does not work for kids
What’s authoritative parenting and why does it work so well for substance use
prevention?
What’s authoritative parenting and why does it work so well for substance use prevention part II
How culture shapes substance use rates and behaviors
Family culture as a foundation for family behaviors around substance use
So what do we do when kids screw up?
The power of natural (and logical) consequences
What if addiction runs in the family?
What if one sibling uses addictive substances?
Are certain personality types more susceptible to substance use/disorder?
Divorce, separation, and substance use risk
What role does gender play in substance use risk?
Viewer question: Is it ever OK to drink/use in front of your kids?
Viewer question: How do the Laheys handle having alcohol at home?
What role does gender play in cannabis use/misuse?
What role does gender play in stimulant use/misuse?
Chapter 7: We Have to Talk About It. Starting the conversation
10 questions I asked my kids during our Hot Ones game in order to know them better
Making kids feel heard and supported so they will talk to us about hard things
More ways to get kids to talk to us about hard things
Even more ways to get kids to talk to us about hard things
Kids know when we are listening with an agenda, let’s really listen so they will keep talking
How to pick your battles so kids will listen
Be their parent, not their friend
Hot take: substance use prevention starts before kindergarten
How do I teach my kids not to use drugs/alcohol if I use(d) drugs/alcohol?
What does substance use prevention look like for kids in pre-k and kindergarten?
The specifics of pre-k and kindergarten substance use prevention
Turning expectations around healthy behaviors into practices that stick
Should you shield your kid from family members with active substance use disorder?
Using stories and humor to start conversations with little kids about hard things
Teaching little kids about prescription drug misuse
Think they are too young for prevention? Kids as young as 3 can tell the difference between alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages.
Elementary schoolers see alcohol 23x/month in the media, in 1 of 11 cartoons, and in 52-57% of PG/G movies.
Why substance use prevention conversations can get easier as kids get older.
What is inoculation messaging and why is it so effective in preventing all kinds of high risk behaviors?
Okay, but HOW do I shield my child from a family member with active substance use disorder?
What is inoculation theory and how does it work?
How do I explain Uncle Ted’s smoking or Aunt Petunia’s drinking to my kid?
Why booze companies work so hard to gain kids’ brand loyalty at an early age.
Kids HATE being manipulated, so use that to teach them about how advertising works.
Using hypothetical “what if” scenarios to have no harm no foul conversations about substances.
How our kids’ friends affect their risk for substance use.
Does your kid have an escape hatch?
Nope, giving kids sips does not protect them from substance use disorder.
Oh, you want proof that sipping as a kid increases risk for substance use disorder?
Why are y’all SO upset that early initiation of substance use leads to higher risk of substance use disorder?
What factors predict early initiation of drinking in kids?
Factors that mitigate risk of early initiation of substance use.
Time to bust the problematic myth of “those moderate European drinkers”
The specifics of who drinks the most and the least in Europe.
How public health initiatives are changing to align with the science of alcohol and the human body.
High school: the most recent numbers on how many kids use drugs and alcohol.
High school and opioid misuse: who is using them and how often?
Because you asked: a primer on fentanyl
What role do friends play in substance use risk?
The changing role of friendship and its role in substance use risk.
Okay, but WHY are kids more likely to drink/drug if their friends drink/drug?
For those of you freaking out, friendship can work the other way, too.
It’s not just about peer pressure, but peer presence (and binge drinking mice!)
How can be we help kids make healthy decisions about friendships?
How can we help kids choose healthy, positive friendships?
We parent in collaboration with the parents of our kids’ friends.
How do we help our kids strengthen their own sense of identity?
Is there a book I can hand my kids about all of this? Yes, there is.
Face-saving ways to turn down drugs and alcohol, by kids for kids (1)
Face-saving ways to turn down drugs and alcohol, by kids for kids (2)
Face-saving ways to turn down drugs and alcohol, by kids for kids (3)
Face-saving ways to turn down drugs and alcohol, by kids for kids (4)
What do I do if my (friend, kid, spouse) is struggling with substances? (1)
What do I do if my (friend, kid, spouse) is struggling with substances? (2
What do I do if my (friend, kid, spouse) is struggling with substances? (3)
What do I do if my (friend, kid, spouse) is struggling with substances? (4)
What do I do if my (friend, kid, spouse) is struggling with substances? (5)
What do I do if my (friend, kid, spouse) is struggling with substances? (6)
What can schools do to prevent substance use? A lot.
It’s time to introduce you to Georgia.
What are the most effective school-based substance use prevention programs?
What is social-emotional learning (SEL) and why do some people want it banned?
What do I do if my kid ate my special medicated candy??
What do I do if my kid ate my special medicated candy (2)
What do I do if my kid ate my special medicated candy (3)
What does effective substance use prevention programs look like in pre-k/k?
What do effective elementary school substance use prevention programs look like?
What do effective middle school substance use prevention programs look like?
What do effective high school substance use prevention programs look like?
Drinking in college: perception drives reality
Why do we overestimate who drinks and how much, especially in college?
Freudian slip, anyone?
If perceptions of drinking shapes reality, how do we establish a reality based on truth?
What percentage of college kids drink, and how much?
The heaviest binge drinkers consume 72% of the alcohol consumed on campuses.
How much do most college students drink, then?
Time for some good news about drinking in college
Turns out, the “why” behind the drinking matters
More good news: even when in college, parents still matter
How to talk to your college student about drinking
How to talk to your college student about drinking (part 2)
Now that we have done the HOW, let’s talk about WHAT to tell your college kid about drinking
What to tell your college kid about drinking (part 2)
Fentanyl facts, part 1
Fentanyl facts, part 2
New study: why kids say they use drugs
What’s in a harm reduction kit and why you should have one
Substance use prevention is a social justice issue
But WHY is “family dinner” such a powerful prevention tool?
All the negative outcomes research shows “family dinner” can help prevent
Deaths fully attributable to alcohol consumption are up 29%
Why do kids think family dinner is important & useful?
The important communication that happens at “family dinner”
Conclusions and takeaways from this deep dive into why family dinner matters
Talking to people about substance use prevention when people don’t want to talk about substance use prevention
The sad state of inpatient substance use treatment for kids
What is Delta-8 THC?

The Gift of Failure in My Office (with links):

The Gift of Failure: let’s get started!
Giving kids the gift of failure
Falling off my high horse
My 9yo could not tie her own shoes. I did that to her.
My breaking point as a teacher
When did parenting go so off the rails?
Fear-based parenting
Spreadsheet parenting
Why I promised my kids I’d never put a college sticker on my car
Help kids build an internal barometer for self-worth
I don’t “just want my kid to be happy”
If “I just want my kid to be happy” doesn’t make kids happy, what now?
Intrinsic motivation and the holy grail of learning: flow
If you want kids to NOT want to learn math, pay them for their math grades
Extrinsic motivator cons: decreased motivation and creativity, more cheating
Okay, so how do we get intrinsic motivation?
Increasing choice in my classroom = more intrinsic motivation
Give kids more autonomy at home
More autonomy for kids: clear expectations, logical consequences
Logical consequences for kids when they fail to meet expectations
More on natural and logical consequences
Why I don’t take away electronics as punishment for not doing homework
Want to give kids more autonomy? Here are great places to start!
Please, can we back away from school portals, find my iPhone, and Life 360?
If we give rewards for grades we teach kids to value rewards more than learning
“How do I get my kids to take intellectual or emotional risks?”
Stop nagging kids about grades and start asking them about their goals
Personal goals offer a safe way to experience, process, and learn from failure
Kids who have been highly directed are less able to learn from challenging tasks
That look on a child’s face when they master something themselves? That’s everything.
Confidence and competence are not the same thing
Telling kids how perfect and brilliant they are when they struggle does not boost self-esteem
Some risky activities get riskier the longer we don’t let kids try them
Praise: how to do it right
Love the kid you have, not the kid you wish you had
Love the kids we have and not just in exchange for their performance
My kid left her homework at home, should I take it to school for her? (I)
My kid left her homework at home, should I take it to school for her? (II)
My kid left her homework at home, should I take it to school for her? (III)
Taking the homework would have made me feel good, but it would not have been the best thing for her
Autonomy-supportive parenting is not “anything goes” parenting
You may want the dishes facing east-west in the dishwasher but kids might try north-south. And that’s OK
How to give kids more autonomy around homework
How the one expectation of “do your homework” turned into six and a big revelation
So what are the consequences for my daughter leaving her homework at home?
Kids with more directive/controlling parents are less likely to be able to complete challenging tasks
When kids can’t persist with challenging tasks, they lose opportunities to learn
What are desirable difficulties?
A bit more about desirable difficulties
Never taught your kid how to do household tasks? That’s OK! No shame or guilt allowed!
Teaching kids essential skills: it’s laundry day!
Special Care Instructions: how I taught laundry skills
The first weeks of giving kids more autonomy: patience is key
Giving your kid more autonomy and worried about failure at school? Teachers can be allies!
Consequences = structure
What controlling/directive parenting looks and sounds like
What autonomy-supportive parents look & sound like
What kind of feedback should we give kids? Great question!
What kids lose when they have no household responsibilities
Household duties = purpose = better mental health
Scaffolding: supporting kids’ autonomy as they learn
Q: What could kids do given enough time & support? A: “Everything”
Is there a book that can help teach kids life skills? You betcha!
Should we pay kids for doing household duties? Absolutely not!
What can kids do? Household duties at all ages & stages
Household duties: what toddlers can do
Variability in ability re: ages and stages
Household duties for preschoolers?
Yep, preschoolers will make mistakes. How we react matters.
Childhood development isn’t a perfect linear slope
Focus on what kids CAN do rather than what they can’t
Want kids to help around the house without being asked?
What can adolescents do to keep the home running smoothly?
How to be a happier parent
Skirmishes on the playground? Let the KIDS resolve them
Intervene in sandbox skirmishes at your child’s SEL and academic peril
How to support kids’ conflict resolution without taking over
The rules of sibling fight club
Let kids see you make up after arguments
What is a parent’s role during play dates and sibling playtime?
Give your kid’s friendships space
How do I remember to let my kids fail in the heat of the moment?
Saying “Be careful!” does not make kids more careful